I can't explain it, but...

I love rap. I do. I don't know why. There was once a claim (that has since been proven untrue) that Lauryn Hill said she would rather her children starve than a white person buy her album. Well, true or not, I'm sure it wouldn't make her day to know that I really love rap. In fact, I worked at a junior high in West Valley last year as a drug prevention specialist and took every opportunity to make rap videos. I got two opportunities (one and two) and put them on youtube. I got very little feedback, but one particular piece of constructive criticism from a young viewer was "That was gay." Ok, so I think it goes without saying that I epitomize "nerdy white guy". I'm like albino white. I'm by far the worst dancer I've ever met--no rhythm. None. I've got 2 kids with a third on the way and am currently looking for a minivan to meet my growing family's needs. Nuff said? No? Okay, throw in the fact that I was raised in rural Idaho where Twisted Sister and Travis Tritt ruled the airwaves, and I'm sure Lauryn Hill would actually say what she's been rumored to have said.

So I think it all started when Tyler Jacobson, my friend's older brother by 4 years, found an Arrested Development tape in the high school bleachers. Or maybe it goes back to (and I shutter to think this) the rise of Milli Vanilli and M.C. Hammer into mainstream music and me and Casey Parks blasting it while playing tramp-ball in his backyard. I don't know. But whatever the case may be, it has stuck. So today's segment is dedicated to the top three rappers in Ben Belnap's opinion--which clearly carries quite a bit of clout (see resume above).

There are 3 inclusion criteria for what makes a good rapper according to Ben Belnap:

1) Speed and Rhythm (must have both--Bone Thugs and Busta Rhymes = speed only = obnoxious. Sugar Hill Gang and other old-school groups = rhythm only = appreciated, but a little boring)

2) Voice (Snoop Dogg, for example, meets the other two criteria, but I don't like his voice so he didn't make the cut--which I'm sure would leave him heart-broken.)

3) Word play (I don't know if this the official term, but I refer to creative rhyming schemes and use of words to match rhythm.)

So I have dissected songs of my top three rappers into approximately one-minute snippets that show their best skills. I'm open to your feedback if you don't agree. So without further adieu, number 3:

Q-Tip from A Tribe Called Quest. He is ridiculous. His voice is so smooth and rhythmic. He's a pioneer.




I know. You're probably thinking, "How can this rap expert improve on that?" I can with second place, though it was tight race.

#2: Zaakir from Jurassic 5. Thank you, Lisa Williams, for introducing me to these guys. They're the best collective group of rappers. The first 15 seconds of this song is the whole group together, but I included it because it's a brilliant transition into Zaakir taking over by himself.



Now for number 1. This wasn't even close. This rapper is head-and-shoulders above the rest. I can again thank Tyler Jacobson for this one. He went down to Lane's, the only store in town where you could buy tapes, and bought this tape by putting the price tag over the "explicit lyrics" label. He then hid it in closet, and we, his minions, were able to make copies for ourselves.

#1: Treach from Naughty by Nature. He is so fast, so rhythmic, so passionate. My only criticism is that he's kind of whiner, but who am I to judge? Anyway, this song is totally under-appreciated. It's the second to last song on their 1991 debut, self-titled album. The song's called "Thankx for the Sleepwalking", and no, that 'x' is not a typo...just another rapper butchering spelling. I included a part that features a back-and-forth piece with some chica. It's truly brilliant.



I hope you enjoyed the provided samples. Thankfully, I don't have a large reader base, so I won't hurt these artists' street cred too much.