I can't explain it, but...

I love rap. I do. I don't know why. There was once a claim (that has since been proven untrue) that Lauryn Hill said she would rather her children starve than a white person buy her album. Well, true or not, I'm sure it wouldn't make her day to know that I really love rap. In fact, I worked at a junior high in West Valley last year as a drug prevention specialist and took every opportunity to make rap videos. I got two opportunities (one and two) and put them on youtube. I got very little feedback, but one particular piece of constructive criticism from a young viewer was "That was gay." Ok, so I think it goes without saying that I epitomize "nerdy white guy". I'm like albino white. I'm by far the worst dancer I've ever met--no rhythm. None. I've got 2 kids with a third on the way and am currently looking for a minivan to meet my growing family's needs. Nuff said? No? Okay, throw in the fact that I was raised in rural Idaho where Twisted Sister and Travis Tritt ruled the airwaves, and I'm sure Lauryn Hill would actually say what she's been rumored to have said.

So I think it all started when Tyler Jacobson, my friend's older brother by 4 years, found an Arrested Development tape in the high school bleachers. Or maybe it goes back to (and I shutter to think this) the rise of Milli Vanilli and M.C. Hammer into mainstream music and me and Casey Parks blasting it while playing tramp-ball in his backyard. I don't know. But whatever the case may be, it has stuck. So today's segment is dedicated to the top three rappers in Ben Belnap's opinion--which clearly carries quite a bit of clout (see resume above).

There are 3 inclusion criteria for what makes a good rapper according to Ben Belnap:

1) Speed and Rhythm (must have both--Bone Thugs and Busta Rhymes = speed only = obnoxious. Sugar Hill Gang and other old-school groups = rhythm only = appreciated, but a little boring)

2) Voice (Snoop Dogg, for example, meets the other two criteria, but I don't like his voice so he didn't make the cut--which I'm sure would leave him heart-broken.)

3) Word play (I don't know if this the official term, but I refer to creative rhyming schemes and use of words to match rhythm.)

So I have dissected songs of my top three rappers into approximately one-minute snippets that show their best skills. I'm open to your feedback if you don't agree. So without further adieu, number 3:

Q-Tip from A Tribe Called Quest. He is ridiculous. His voice is so smooth and rhythmic. He's a pioneer.




I know. You're probably thinking, "How can this rap expert improve on that?" I can with second place, though it was tight race.

#2: Zaakir from Jurassic 5. Thank you, Lisa Williams, for introducing me to these guys. They're the best collective group of rappers. The first 15 seconds of this song is the whole group together, but I included it because it's a brilliant transition into Zaakir taking over by himself.



Now for number 1. This wasn't even close. This rapper is head-and-shoulders above the rest. I can again thank Tyler Jacobson for this one. He went down to Lane's, the only store in town where you could buy tapes, and bought this tape by putting the price tag over the "explicit lyrics" label. He then hid it in closet, and we, his minions, were able to make copies for ourselves.

#1: Treach from Naughty by Nature. He is so fast, so rhythmic, so passionate. My only criticism is that he's kind of whiner, but who am I to judge? Anyway, this song is totally under-appreciated. It's the second to last song on their 1991 debut, self-titled album. The song's called "Thankx for the Sleepwalking", and no, that 'x' is not a typo...just another rapper butchering spelling. I included a part that features a back-and-forth piece with some chica. It's truly brilliant.



I hope you enjoyed the provided samples. Thankfully, I don't have a large reader base, so I won't hurt these artists' street cred too much.

A little ironic, I think.

On his 1964 "Times They are a Changin'" album, Bob Dylan included "The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll". It's a wonderfully poetic song that tells the sad and frustrating story of Hattie Carroll. Here is the story in short (and not really checked for errors--so don't footnote it).

So in 1963, there was a black-tie party at a hotel in Baltimore. Attending the party was 24-year-old William Zantzinger, son of a super rich tobacco plantation owner with hundreds of acres in the south. He got really drunk and was trying to get a laugh out of some buddies and hit one of the black waitresses, Hattie Carroll, with a cane. She left the party shortly after, feeling "deathly ill" and died several hours later.

William Zantzinger was arrested for homicide, and a long trial brought his bigotry into light. Many witnesses recalled him calling her and other servants "stupid niggers", etc. He spoke once of segregation to the jury, saying something like, "Well I don't think you would want to use the same facilities as niggers either." So the guy was obviously a totally unrepentant bigot in the courtroom. He was found guilty, and the southern, white judge sentenced him to 6 months in prison with a $500 fine.

As it turns out, William Zantzinger died only a few days ago at the age of 69. For the story of his death click here .

The irony? And maybe this is a stretch, but I think it's cool. William Zantzinger died only a few days before we will inaugurate our first black president. In only 46 years we have come from sentencing an upper-class white man to 6 months in prison for killing a black servant to electing a black president. Now that's pretty cool, I think. Obviously racism is everywhere and it's still a huge problem, to say the least, but all in all I think we've come a pretty long way.

Click here for "The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll" lyrics, and I've got it playing on my playlist thing. Enjoy.

Saban Sabotaged...

"Yeah...we went 12-0, too...only we're from a real conference."

Thanks, Nick Saban, the biggest snake in sports. You were completely outcoached by a coach in a conference that has not achieved the status of "real." Congratulations. You just had it handed to you.

In 2004, there were 2 other unbeaten teams (USC & Auburn), so you couldn't make a case for Utah being #1. This year, however, there remains only one unbeaten team--a team who beat 4 teams in the top 25 including the team who spent the most time as #1 and whose only other loss was to Florida in the SEC championship game. I really think (and I don't think this is me being a homer) that Utah has a legitimate claim for a shared national championship like they did with LSU and USC in 2003. Until there's a playoff, though, we'll never really know who the national champions are...and that's pretty unfortunate.