Desert Island: A New Version?

You know, people always like to play the game "Desert Island" or variations thereof. Basically, this game involves discussing which book/album/movie you would take with you if you were to be stranded on a desert island. I've played a million times--not really interesting anymore (for the record: East of Eden/Radiohead: The Bends/Shawshank Redemption).

I've decided there is a more interesting way to play: If you could send your #1 nemesis to a desert island, which book/album/movie would you send with them? Ahh, now this question is one worth pondering for a long long time. First, whom would I send? I've narrowed it down to three possible candidates:

Door #1: Josh Groban--This photo alone is almost enough to send him.


Candidate #2: Guy from CSI:Miami--the dramatic way he takes those shades off before whispering a poignant line like, "Now that's the definition of cold-blooded" should make him a shoe-in.

Third possibility: Sean Hannity. The 2008 election fueled my hatred for this man. Trouble is, my and your hatred is what fuels him, so he would be my third choice...I don't want to give him the satisfaction.

While the person to be sent is up for debate, the items they will be sent with are not debatable. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this. And with no runners-up, these are the items to be sent.

Book: Shane. I had to read this in 8th grade. 15 years later, the thought of the book alone makes me want to punch a hole in my wall. One review of this book calls it "emotionally stirring." I will agree with that...it definitely stirs emotion. In fact, it's the only thing that has ever stirred me so emotionally that I considered putting a bullet into my femoral artery.


Album: Chumbawamba-Tubthumper. Thank you, Ben Hardcastle, for not letting me buy this album in December of 1997. Am I proud that I considered buying it? Obviously not, but actually making the purchase is something you don't rebound from too easily. Hardcastle, your foresight has saved me some dignity, and I thank you.

Finally, I would send my #1 nemesis to the island with this movie:

You ever do something and wonder why you did it afterwords? Well I have. Namely when I watched this movie start-to-finish with my roommate seven years ago. Still, what seems like a life time removed from the situation, I see flashes of Vin Diesel dropping some fluorescent Japanese car into third gear to pass some unassuming buff guy with blond-tipped hair and the flashback sends me into extreme emotional instability. Having seen this movie, I feel, at some level, that I understand what living with post-traumatic stress disorder must feel like.

I would love to send Josh Groban or CSI: Miami guy off with these. But the irony is that those two men would probably enjoy the selections, which is exactly why I would send them in the first place. It's a vicious cycle, but can't a boy dream?